A Dirty, Dirty Fantasy

It's been one week of Fantasy Football and heads are rolling. Friends have become enemies, enemies have become lovers. I could talk about standings and prospective standings, numbers, etc. etc., viz., a viz., ipso facto, persona non grata, but that's all already on espn.com so what good would that do. Instead, here you'll find the juiciest happenings from around the league. First and most heartbreaking, Guantanamo PoniesRFun lost by 6 points to a far inferior team, Polos. (Mr. Serrano, owner of the Polos, named his team after his favorite type of shirt.) Sport columnist around the world are calling it the biggest upset in the history of organized sport. Millions were lost in the gambling world and several suicides resulted from the bitter lost. New Zealand and Turkey citizens took to the streets and overthrew their governments, attributing the hysteria to the PoniesRFun's defeat.
"After I saw them loose there really was no point in life, I'm just unequivocally angry," said Turkish design student, Mahmed Lentil.
Back in the U.S., coach, GM and starting QB for the Ponies, Pino, said it's just one game and while it hurts, I'm just thinking about next week.
"All coaches, regardless of status or game, have conditioned our brains to be able to think only about the upcoming game," he said. "It's physiologically impossible for me to think about or comment on anything beside the preparations for the next game."
"I would like to, really, but I've forgotten all the details all I can say is:"we'll put this behind us, go watch film, make the necessary changes during the week's practice and get ready for the next game."

Christie Z. (we believe the Z stands for Zebra) made several headlines this week. She argues the league has shown blatant sexism by paying her significantly less than the other coaches/GMs. "If something is not done quickly, I will sue the league for all its got!" Tis' true Mrs. Zebra makes $0 a year with no chance of bonuses.
Mrs. Zebra's claims raise concerns and the weekend edition of the newsletter will present an investigation into the league's sexist agenda. One could only imagine how it's like to be a woman in a man's Fantasy League. Mrs. Zebra has stated she has had to lower her voice by four octaves and stuff socks down her pants to feel as part of the team. Saddening stuff.

In other news, team Polo and and team Zebra are talking merger. Several owners have opposed the hypothetical merger, calling it a monopoly others say it's logically impossible. While the thought of Zebras wearing polos is an amusing one, the merger would create an Eastern powerhouse. Hence, tipping the scales of power and forcing the West to organize. Someone call Kissinger, this could get ugly. A summit is scheduled later this month, where the matter will hopefully be resolved.

Scandal Between the Hedges

The league is not only guilty of sexism but there are rumors of blackmail and corruption. An undercover informant tips that proud Miamian Teddy Sometheing or the other has blocked pending trades through bribes. The bribes include 50-inch plasma TVs, vintage pornos, rusty trombones, waterfront villas, and governmental appointments to the Senate and House of Representatives. This is not the first time Mr. Teddy has been caught in the midst of scandal and he is not remorseful. Some may even call him a career criminal. "I want AD and I will stop at nothing to get AD," Mr. Teddy said.
One could only assume his hostile campaign will not stop until all calendars are properly labeled with Anno Domini. Mr. Teddy has not commented as to why he eagerly wants to label calendars to Anno Domini and what connection it has to Fantasy Football. However, by fair presumption, Mr. Teddy's campaign is a strange one. He was probably much happier during B.C.E, when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
One of the victims caught in the crosshairs of Mr. Teddy's ambitions, Billy Salsy feels betrayed and depressed. The emotionally damaged owner said he has lost perspective on life and all trust in people. Mr. Salsy has taken a short vacation to piece together the broken menagerie that is his life. Records show he flew to St. Tropez with his adopted Kenyan boy and is expected back Friday.


In true French fashion, team Garcelle claimed an early victory Friday afternoon. After being reminded the games hadn't even started Mr. Garcelle said "Pardon, monsieur." Saturday, Mr. Garcelle again claimed sweet victory and again reminded of the impossibility of his supposed victory. Jokingly, or not, Saturday evening Mr. Garcelle held a press conference on his sportif victory. Confused sport writers looked on the Frenchman in total disbelief. Mr. Garcelle, officially won Monday night.