My God, who is likely different from your God, has blessed me with some pretty amazing gifts. Striking good looks, Adonis-esque? (I say yes) dove-like skin, a lion's roar for a voice, and of course, the insight and wit of a thousand little Einstein's/Tolstoy maybe even some Wilde.
So, I've asked my reflection in the canal: How do I put these assets to work for the benefit of my fellow man?
The reflection quickly responded, "Advice column!"
Pure, clean, purified genius...(As I've come to expect from my reflection)
Without further adieu let's get to the first question from sweet 14-year-old Lindsey Wagner who writes from Eastern European mecca Albany...
Q: I'm 14 year olde, my breastes are sagging and the vagina produce less lemon juice by the day. I'm not married or have me land. What do I do ?!? Help! from Albany.
Hm. Tough. Ms. Wagner you are 5 years over the median age women wed in Albany and the lemon juice is especially important for attracting Albanian men and a healthy harvest. Are you drinking enough water? You're probably not drinking enough water. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Once the lemon juice comes the rest falls into place. Fine Albanian men will be able to track the scent, capture you then take you to that dark kitchenette you've been dreaming since you were a todd. Hurry, hurry. Time is a-wasting. Eight years from now it'll be time to retire and enjoy grandchildren.
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